Still Polly

  A lady and her dog walked into a bar. "I remember," said the dog, "the guy with the guitar." It was smoky and dim as they took their seats. "Scotch, neat," the dog said, not missing a beat. They were quiet at first as the dog lapped his booze. "This reminds me," he said, "of the smell of his shoes."

A moment of joy—and no fear—in every bite of cake. There's nothing like a late-morning YouTube break to make you—cringe.  Mostly if I need a mental break I watch funny videos of talking parrots or Bernese Mountain Dogs doing Bernese Mountain Dog things. Decorating videos are up there, too. And I’ve had a soft spot for interviews where celebrities eat hot wings, although that may have jumped the shark for me. Today between tasks I ran across a video that caught my eye: The 5 Steps that Transformed My Body & My Life After 55 . I thought, "I can give 10 minutes to this and see if I can learn anything." It was an attractive woman who definitely did not look 75 years old, so maybe there was something to what she had to say. That, and the fact that she had 58,000 followers, made me think she might be onto something. So I clicked.

"Okay, mister, get this all out of your system now, because starting Wednesday, there will be no more of these shenanigans on walks." Only I didn't say "these shenanigans." I was talking to Stein Eriksen about his upcoming puppy classes, telling him that soon his pulling, lunging, jumping, or full-stopping would come to an end because in puppy class they would teach him how to behave like one of those angelic, majestic show dogs—in turn, making me look like the dog whisperer and best damn dog owner in all of Huntington County if not the state of Indiana. It was a nice dream. 

There’s a great little scene in the movie Parenthood . Steve Martin plays Gil, a neurotic perfectionist father who, despite his best efforts, seems likely to raise some screwed up kids. In the middle of a gripe session with his wife (played by Mary Steenburgen), as he complains about the chaos and complications of his life, his elderly grandmother steps in with a story about the time her husband took her on a roller coaster. “You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.” This little story, to me, clearly defines two kinds of people: those who can handle the thrill of the roller coaster and those who cannot.

“Quick! Mute it! Mute it now!” Bob and I both scrambled for the remote, and he managed to hit the mute button just before my seething rant could start up again. “I can’t stand that commercial,” I said for the bo-billionth time. And he agrees with me. There are no good TV commercials anymore. One could argue that there never were any good TV commercials. But I think we can all agree that there was a time when television commercials were effective—sometimes even funny—and possibly even worth the money the brand spent on their creation and placement. Not anymore. David Ogilvy, where are you when we need you?

 Some days it is like Jesus is taking a nap on a cushion in the back of my boat while it is filling up with water and I’m sinking fast. Or it’s just the laundry room floor filling up with water and my hopes are sinking fast. Which happens like clockwork every winter for the last eight years. A frozen drain pipe. Sometimes frozen water pipes. But either way, it ends the same. I’m in tears, knee-deep in wet clothes, and trying to figure out when I will be able to make it to the laundromat. Over the years we developed a strategy for coping with the annual drain pipe freeze. If the weather predicts anything below 20 degrees for more than a day, we shift into Emergency Laundry Mode. That means I do as much laundry as possible in as little time as possible. A completely empty hamper is the goal. If I can get the clothes off our backs into the machine before the cold hits, I do that. When it’s all clean, dry, folded, and put away. I high-five myself. That is until one article of clothing ...

By a show of hands, how many times have you used these phrases, in conversation, on social media, in email communications, or in chocolate syrup on a pancake? Don’t Judge Right? You Need To Friends, my hand is way up there. Don’t judge me for pointing this out. These are common phrases, and we’ve all used them, right? You need to read on to see why these words have become a problem. Now that I have gotten that out of my system, let me say that I am working hard to eliminate all these very common and seemingly well-meaning words and phrases from my vocabulary. I’m not usually one to wave the banner and try and get people to join me, but this time I think I am. Lately, it feels like we have become very lazy in how we express ourselves. It’s like the shortcut version of actual communication. Verbal texting. But, there is more about these five phrases that has been sticking in my craw. I’ve been binge-watching movie adaptations of Shakespeare's plays. His words demand attention—every l...