MRI

It started out fine, like most days. 

I had coffee, did the daily readings, the daily examen, prayed, played the puzzle game with Riley. Just

a normal morning. I even felt very human and grown up getting my things around to get ready to drive myself to the place for the thing that I only knew was going to be LOUD. By myself. I was very aware of the painful tumor, but trying to ignore it.

I went out the garage door to throw my things in the car and let Riley out one last time before leaving. For whatever reason, the neighbor's two St. Bernards didn't like how close Riley was getting to the road, and they charged. They're both wearing invisible fence collars, so I watched the first one get to the boundary and stop short. Whew. That was close. I called Riley, and by the time I looked back to see if he was following me, both Bernards were in the front yard facing off with my little dog. The screaming started. This was happening. I was going to watch my dog die and then have to leave because: cancer. Riley started growling, the larger of the two dogs came at him. Riley circled the huge dog and "herded" him back to their yard. (I actually was stunned when I heard the big dog yip.) I finally got Riley back in the house, but by this time I was totally shattered.

Then I got in the car. I tried my best to calm down but it was too late. Then traffic. I'm not any good at driving in traffic and even less so when I'm shaking like a leaf. Reality was, there was no other option. I could not just quit, stay home, cancel the appointment, or chicken out in any way. So I got myself there. But it was ugly.

I won't lie, I was a wreck. Every nurse, every tech, everyone in the lobby even, could see it. (Could they also see this huge lump? Hard not to feel like you're walking around transparent at times like that.)

Then: more paperwork, large waiting room, small waiting room, gown, bathroom, locker, MRI room. The nurse had walked me through step-by-step what would happen and how it would work. Lots of short 2-3 minute pictures, then one all-important one that would be 7 minutes long. That one was for all the marbles. Move one bit and you have to come back. I said about 300 Hail Marys (maybe a slight exaggeration but I wonder), the Undoer of Knots Prayer, the Memorare, a bunch of Our Fathers, and then wished I could have asked to hold a prayer card (next time). I managed to not move during the 7 minute stretch (were they lying? it felt much longer), but I was so tensed up, my arms hurt for 2 days.

End result of this MRI is: I don't have cancer in the other breast. Is it kind of a letdown? Yes. I wanted more information or reassurance. "Polly, you do not have cancer in your lymph nodes either! Celebrate!"

But. The dog did NOT die. I got myself there. The MRI was not fun but I didn't have to go back. Turns out cancer is not proof that God hates me. It could be proof he loves me.