I got a tip from a friend who has had a mastectomy that I might want to get some PJs and tops that button up, since I won't be able to easily raise my arm over my head for a while. I have a ton of tee shirts, so those will be out, and a few button up tops but they're work clothes and not very soft or comfy. So I went cancer clothes shopping yesterday.
I'm a little ashamed to admit that when I worked in Fort Wayne I used to shop nearly every day on my lunch hour. I was always on the hunt for a bargain, and I usually found them, so I had a ton of clothes. Too many clothes. I had more clothes in the hamper than some people own at all. When I got the job at Our Sunday Visitor in Huntington, I went through a bit of withdrawal. The shopping is very limited there -- Walmart, JC Penny, Big Lots and a few other stores. So little by little I broke myself of the clothes shopping habit. In fact, now when I go shopping for clothes I'm just as likely to walk out empty-handed. So yesterday I knew it was going to be a challenge.
Initially I was not terribly focused. I just wandered. After doing laps in Old Navy, I walked out with nothing. Oh, they had things that might have worked, but I just couldn't do it. I tried Khols, and it was the same thing. I couldn't see myself in anything.
See, the problem I was having was envisioning myself at home, being in pain, but still wanting to feel like "Polly." I think I'm going to be dealing with feeling different enough (did I mention today is my last day with two boobs?), but to buy clothes that are so not me, it just felt wrong, like a waste of money. It might sound silly, but people keep telling me to take care of myself, so maybe it's not so stupid.
So I focused. Buttons or zips up the front AND suits my personality. Now I had a focus. The first purchase was a PJ set. Top with buttons and a pair of shorts. I hardly ever wear "pajamas" -- I'm a tee shirt and shorts kind of person. So this set is nothing I would ever have bought myself. But, it was soft, the print was cute, and the price was right. Of everything I bought, this is the least like me, but might be a surprising go-to. In the end I went with a couple of very soft button front boyfriend style shirts that will work well with leggings, a fun pair of lounge pants, a zip up hoodie, and a big infinity scarf (for camouflage). I even got a cute hat for down the road.
But the most comforting piece, and the biggest splurge, was the robe. With sheep! Sweet! I have been concerned about how I'm going to deal with my new body. And fearing the mirror. So I thought I might want to hide under a big, soft, cuddly robe.
In spite of all this business and getting ready for tomorrow, God keeps reminding me to look for him. Today's Scripture readings in church included a passage from Hebrews 12 about looking at trials as discipline, and how God disciplines those he loves. Verses 12 - 13, "So strengthen your drooping hands and your weak knees. Make straight paths for your feet, that what is lame may not be dislocated but healed."
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