Saying it out loud.

Mastectomy. I'm having a mastectomy. Soon we'll be scheduling my mastectomy. I'm saying out loud more in the last two days, just to let the idea soak in.

So I know in my past I have said, and really thought, why do I even have these things!? I was one of the first girls my age to develop breasts, and it was embarrassing. I was wearing a bra before a lot of my age mates, and being naturally self-conscious, it made me even more of a loaner. I think I was even teased about it. I remember my mom and my aunt telling me I was "so lucky" to have breasts and I turned red and almost cried when they went on to talk about their size and shape. EGAD.

As an adult I did my best to just ignore them. Squish them flat for exercise. Try and find a bra that makes them at least manageable in more sheer tops or clingy tees. The joke with Bob on the golf course was, "do I go over? or do I go under? These things are not good for my golf swing!" Since I was not to be a mother, they serve even less purpose than just identifying me as female. Again, why do I even have these things!

I have frankly been jealous of flat chested women. Their clothes hang on them better. Their beautiful collar bones become a sexy focal point. They look great in halters and in a strapless dress they are stunning.

So for one second I thought: let's just take them both off and be done with it. This would solve all my problems. I won't feel lopsided. I won't have to be self conscious. People won't look at me and wonder which side is fake. I can downsize my underwear drawer. My golf swing will improve.

But, having a double mastectomy is not "becoming flat chested." After a mastectomy you NEVER have feeling in the area again. It does not look like a flat chest. It looks like a surgery site. There is a scar. 

If my left breast is not affected, it stays. Removing it would be mutilation of my body the way God designed it. So I'm having a mastectomy. God knew/knows this would be part of my life from the beginning. Why? In every bad thing that's happened in my life, it's never clear until later. 

Psalm 139: 14-16

You formed my inmost being;

you knit me in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, because I am wonderfully made;

wonderful are your works!

My very self you know.

My bones are not hidden from you,

When I was being made in secret,

fashioned in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw me unformed;

in your book all are written down;

my days were shaped, before one came to be.