This is a diagnosis of cancer.

I was standing in the stairwell at the office, I think.

Or had I paced back to my desk? Actually, I was back at my desk now that I think of it, because I was taking notes as Dr. Powell, in his super-calm way was talking.

He didn't use any of the usual words you normally hear when people talk about breast cancer. So I had to ask, "can you tell how serious or advanced it is?" He said it was "unusual." He explained that it was squamous cell carcinoma. (I think my note I spelled it squeesma. Now unfortunately it's a word I say a lot.) This, he said, may be a metastatic cancer. Very rare for squamous cell carcinomas to be primary in the breast. 

Dr. Powell said he would not want to say anything about treatment, "I diagnose, I do not treat." So that was that! He put his assistant Mary on the phone (sweet, treasure she is, she's the daughter of a close friend at work), and she had already scheduled my appointment with the breast surgeon. Which was today. 

This is a diagnosis of cancer. That was August 2nd. 

Then the internet happened. By the next day I was convinced that every single twitch, itch, headache, or sneeze was cancer everywhere. Like I was wearing a cancer suit. And the appointment wasn't until the 11th. What if this 9 days MATTERS in the end?

So, when a friend suggested calling the surgeon's office to ask if there were any tests we could get done NOW to get ahead of it, I said YES, I'm doing that. After talking it all through with the nurse, I realized, I really don't have any symptoms other than this huge, painful lump in my body! In the end the surgeon did order the MRI, and at least I had something on the calendar.

I'll admit it. I'm having trouble praying about this. I don't know what to ask for. Do I ask for a miracle? I think other people need miracles more than me. Do I ask for it to not hurt? Jesus was tortured and executed. Do I ask for it to "turn out okay?" Who knows what that even is. 

Until I figure that part out, I just pray for people I love, people I don't, estranged family, complete strangers, hurting people, hungry people. These are things I know how to pray for.