Dr. N patted me on the head. My teeny tiny (white) Mohawk is coming in nicely, and it makes me giggle to think about him feeling comfortable enough with me that he touches. As usual he asked how I was feeling and if I was experiencing any neuropathy. I told him no, just the annoying side effects he already knew about. He asked if I had met with Dr. M about radiation, and I let him know I'm all scheduled for prep and ready to go. And that was it. I will see Dr. N every 6 months for the next 5 years. A couple of hours later I was all finished with chemo. Just like that.
Looking back on the last 20 weeks, there were lots of funny things that happened. There were so many times Bob and I laughed. I wish I could remember them all. Here are some things I do remember.
Side effects are funny things.
Not funny "haha" of course. They can be really serious and painful for lots of people. I had my share of awful ones early on. Many days I felt so sick. But I actually had a lot of side effects that never went full blown. I'm very grateful.
During AC treatment (the first four every-other-week hellish treatments), I developed what I can only describe as super-human smell. Walking by the garbage can was like getting punched in the face. Even good smells became overpowering. I could not figure out how to use the power for good, but I didn't use it for evil either, unless you count making Bob take the trash out every time.
"Nothing Asian," I told Bob. "No soy sauce." It was early on in treatment and Bob was making dinner that night. For some reason I couldn't tolerate the idea of anything remotely Asian in flavor. He kept pushing back, "I was just going to marinate the chicken in it." Please no. "Just a little. I won't add it in while I'm cooking it." Uh, no. What about this did he not understand? I begged him. No soy. At all. In fact don't even get it out of the fridge. Don't even say it out loud. Thankfully he relented and made the chicken some other way.
In another incident Bob brought me a carry-out dish I had always really liked, but for whatever reason this time... no. In fact still to this day I can't think about the chicken flatbread appetizer from B'Dubs without getting a little ooky. Shudder. Soy sauce I'm fine with now, go figure.
These were about the extent of my side effects related to taste buds. I became convinced that someone was specifically praying for me about this, because many, many people experience far worse. I never got the metallic taste, and with only a few exceptions, my appetite was not terribly affected. So thank you, whoever you are.
In the beginning I thought I was getting mouth sores, a really horrible side effect that can make it hard to eat, talk, and even swallow. I felt some blisters coming on in my mouth and when I ate something salty some of them popped. I rushed to call in the prescription for some mouthwash that was supposed to help. It is a mixed up concoction with a great name: Mary's Magic Potion. Mary was watching over me for sure, because a few days later the blisters were gone and I wasn't bothered with any more of them.
Just as I was starting Taxol my big toenail developed a black spot. Nail problems are one of the side effects of this drug. And of course because there's this thing called Google I became convinced that my nails were all going to turn black and fall off. I showed the physician's assistant and anyone else that would look at it. No one seemed alarmed, but what I heard was "it will probably fall off." It didn't. The black spot went away, and I got some weird ripples and yellowing in my nails but that was it. (Oh, for about a week my fingers felt like someone had smashed them all with a hammer. But that went away, too.)
Right about the time my hair started growing back, my eyebrows and lashes started falling out. But they didn't fall out evenly. My right eyebrow is still pretty much "there" but the left one has about 5 or 6 hairs. Total. I have seriously contemplated shaving them both off, but can't bring myself to do it. I'm not good at filling in and drawing on, and regularly have to wipe them off and start over. One day I know I got one side bigger, darker, and higher -- so I was "incredulous Polly" all day. One day last week two of my remaining eyelashes fell out. I practically heard the tinkling as the Charlie Brown Christmas tree lost the last of its needles.
The one side effect that I did get in spades was fatigue. But I get little or no sympathy on this one, and I totally understand. We're all tired all the time! So, like everyone else who's exhausted, I dragged my booty to the treadmill and at least tried to expend energy to get energy. Not every day, and not for very long, but I tried.
There will be side effects of the radiation. I am not counting on getting all of them, but I'm not counting on avoiding them either. Everything was different than I thought it would be with chemo, so I'm just going into the next phase with that in mind.
The New Me
My hair is growing back at an almost alarming rate. Seriously, it's noticeable enough that every Monday someone at work says they can tell it grew more over the weekend. But it's not my hair. It's not my color and I can't make heads or tails of the texture. One day recently someone asked me what I was hoping for. I just laughed. I don't care. And I really, really meant that. So, que sera sera.
I look in the mirror now and only vaguely recognize myself. But there are whole stretches of time that I don't think about having had cancer, that I don't remember that I still look pretty bald with my very white and very short hair. I just feel like me (only more tired).
Inside I am still Polly.
I just knew you had this, Polly. I have known you and Bob, for quite a few years, and was so very concerned. But you faced it with a positive attitude, and I am so very proud of you, my dear friend. Cannot wait, until I see you both again.
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