A stunning realization

"Your hair is stunning," she said.

The woman worked in the building She was wearing a skirt suit, heels, and a badge. "I used to have a pixie," she went on. She had very curly hair, about shoulder length. She told me she has a hair appointment on May 6th and said she might just go back to it after seeing mine. I think I said, "this is just what came back after chemo." "Good for you, you look amazing!" And she disappeared down a hallway.

I sat there, stunned. I had been stunned before she walked up. More to the point, I was in shock. I had just had my infusion port removed.

I opted to have the port removed in the doctor's office instead of the O.R. This way I could drive myself and not bother anyone. When I made the appointment the woman on the phone said it was my choice and said it really depended on "how squeamish you are."

I was feeling pretty confident and relaxed when I went in. I was shown to a room with a big chair in the middle. "Like the dentist office," I said out loud. I found it curious. I got my vitals taken (BP was a little high, so clearly I wasn't as relaxed as I thought I was) and changed into a cape. The two or three nurses that were buzzing around the room were making small talk while getting things ready. I asked if this was going to hurt. No, you won't feel anything they told me. Well, except for the sting of the local anesthetic injections. So.

Doctor was tall, thin, young, and looked tired. I think he asked if I was ready for this thing to be gone. One nurse was on my left side with the doctor, another stood on my right. I locked onto Right-side nurse so I was turned as far away from the port as I could. I made a joke about wishing I had put Lidocane on the port (the numbing cream I used during chemo) and doctor said that would have only worked on the surface, that they need to make sure I don't feel anything much deeper. I felt so foolish for having said that, because of course I knew that wasn't all that was needed.

The injection(s) stung, burned, and it felt like he was digging around in there with the needle. I blurted out, "I forgot my prayer card" to whoever was listening, and prayed out loud to try and keep still. Right-side nurse was watching doctor work. She finally looked at me and I gasped, "Is that part over?" "That part's over."

There was no waiting for the local to take effect, he just started. I could swear I felt a little paper cut. He asked, "did you feel that?" I told him I felt something. After that I did not feel pain, but almost worse, the pulling and pushing and tugging. I think Left-side nurse asked me a question, maybe where I lived? Or where I worked? Did I make a joke about Bob? I remember them laughing.

I was making faces and the doctor asked me if I had pain. I said no but shuddered. This was very physical and I was WIDE AWAKE. After more pushing and pulling, Doctor asked me if I wanted to see it. The brochure they gave me had pictures of this rig -- a quarter-sized plastic part with a long tube attached. Very long. Seemingly too long for someone my size. Where did all that tubing go? On second thought, don't tell me, I don't want to know.

The next part was almost the worst. He told me I was getting three stitches under the skin, that they would dissolve. The sewing was happening INCHES from my face. I kept my head turned but I could feel doctor pulling and knotting, knotting, knotting. I have a newfound respect for children who have to have stitches. It's very hard to be brave. To not to jump up and run.

Doctor patted my foot on his way out. Left-side nurse put steri-strips over the incision. The cart was full of bloody gauze. More chit chat and buzzing around and the nurses left the room. Start to finish the procedure was maybe 5-6 minutes. I text Bob "it's out" then dressed and opened the door. Right-side nurse showed me to the lobby.

Three steps out of the office door and the shaking started.

I got to a chair and text Bob that I needed to sit for a while, that it was "a little traumatic." He offered to come get me but I repeated that I just needed to sit for a while. What was going through my mind was something like: they-didn't-ask-me-if-I-was-okay-I-must-have-seemed-okay-why-didn't-they-ask-me-if-I-was-okay-why-am-I-not-okay-man-I-am-thirsty.

I took the elevator to the lobby and spotted a vending machine. Trying to be invisible, I took a seat against a wall far from the door. I was still shaking, but the water was helping. My mind was wandering. Was I in shock? I thought, this is what it must be like to be in shock. Keep drinking water. I found myself thinking about the architecture of the building, the color choices, the salads and sandwiches in a case next to the coffee bar, how cold the water was. So many offices, I thought, so many people. I started praying for some people coming and going. I was waking up. I was calming down.

That's when she complimented me. I really wish I had been more with it at that moment. I should have been more encouraging, complimented her back, something. But it didn't matter much. She was friendly and bubbly and just wanted to tell me she liked my hair. I hope she goes for it and gets her curly hair cut short if that 's what she wants.

It's quite a thing, God sending that woman over. I suddenly felt much better. Far from "stunning" but at least not shaking.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the Canticle from Daniel 3. About how everything -- what we think of as "good" and also what we think of as "bad" -- can bless the Lord.

Every shower and dew, bless the Lord.
All you winds, bless the Lord.
Fire and heat, bless the Lord.
Cold and chill, bless the Lord.
Dew and rain, bless the Lord.
Frost and chill, bless the Lord.
Ice and snow, bless the Lord.
Nights and days, bless the Lord.
Light and darkness, bless the Lord.
Lightnings and clouds, bless the Lord.
Daniel 3: 64-73

So the "Polly Canticle" might include:

Sickness and health, bless the Lord.
Wholeness or incompleteness, bless the Lord.
Laughter or tears, bless the Lord.
Pain or comfort, bless the Lord
Baldness or hair, bless the Lord.

Praise and exalt him above all forever.