Decisions, decisions

An old friend of mine coined the phrase, "Indecision is the key to flexibility."

When I thought I had lots of hair. February.

I am circling a decision. I get right up to it, stare it down, then shake my head and move on. It doesn't seem like it should be this difficult. But for some reason it is.

Am I ready for my first post-cancer haircut? It's a small decision. There were bigger ones.

I don't know how many times during treatment caregivers and others would ask, "So are you working through all this?" I always said yes then asked, "Do I have a choice?" I "decided" to keep working during cancer treatment because since they got all the cancer in surgery everything about treatment was preventative, not curative. That and the bills still need paid, cancer or no.

Of course I did take the required 6 weeks off after the mastectomy. So I was on short term disability. They said doctor won't allow a mastectomy patient to return to work until the drain tubes are out, and I wasn't allowed to work, even from home during short term disability. So I just settled into getting used to the new me, prepping for chemo, and watching lots of black and white movies.

I went back to work as soon as the 6 weeks was up and I was ready. Then chemo. My treatments were on Wednesdays. After my very first one I went into the office the next day. But Friday came and kicked my butt so I stayed home. This was sort of the pattern during AC (the first four treatments, very strong, every other week), except that it accumulates, so by the end I missed several days. Taxol I tolerated much better, even though it was every week for the next 12 weeks. I would go in and work in the morning, then go have treatment, and I rarely missed Thursdays during this part.

My radiation treatments were every day Monday through Friday at 8:00 am for 12 weeks. So I would get to the hospital early, eat my breakfast in the lobby, and be in my car headed for the office less than an hour later. Dr. M, my radiation oncologist asked me if I was working and I told him yes -- he was the only one who said, "GOOD, I want you to keep working." It was so cute I laughed.

People asked me how I did it. I don't know, really. I walked slower. Got winded climbing stairs. I spaced in meetings during chemo. But I just went in, focused on work, and kept going. There's no secret to it, it was just what I did. I saw and talked to so many people in treatment who really couldn't keep working. It could have gone that way for me, too. I'm glad it didn't.

So back to the small decision. Cut or don't cut?

Currently the ends of my hair are very curly and white. I can still spike the top and define the curls. But the new growth is straighter and darker, so cutting it is pretty much deciding to go that way. Then there's the matter of the shape. It has been growing back much faster at the back and sides, and slower on the top and bangs. Cancer mullet. The sides are a little unruly and bushing out. But I've been playing with a couple of cute headbands that control the sides, and it's fun and different and with the headband it looks less mullet-ish.

I remember pre-cancer having that day when I could not tolerate my hair for one more minute. When I couldn't stand my own reflection in the mirror. Bangs too long, top flat, sides puffy, too shaggy, wrong color, product isn't working -- you name it I have called for an S.O.S emergency haircut because of it. And afterward I would walk out hating my hair less. Until the next time.

When people tell me they like/love my hair now, I always just laugh. I've had a few people ask me if I like it. My answer is pretty much the same all the time -- I really don't care about it. For a while I didn't have hair. Now I do. I am grateful that I can do something with it. But whatever came back was what I was going to get, so, curly or straight, white or dark, patchy or full I would be dealing with whatever came out of those follicles and have zero control over it.

Cut or don't cut? How do I decide?

One of my favorite saints, St. Ignatius Loyola taught that decisions are the means, not the end. The end is God, and decisions we make are the means that bring us closer to him or push us further away.  From The Spiritual Exercises:

Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord and by this
means to save his soul. The other things on the face of the earth are created
for man to help him in attaining the end for which he is created. Hence,
man is to make use of them in as far as they help him in the attainment of
his end, and he must rid himself of them in as far as they prove a hindrance
to him.
     Therefore, we must make ourselves indifferent to all created things, as far
we are allowed free choice and are not under any prohibition. Consequently,
as far as we are concerned, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to
poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short one. The same holds for all
other things.
    Our one desire and choice should be what is more conducive to the end
for which we are created.

Getting a haircut doesn't sound like something that would involve God at all. Why would God care? Could cutting my hair bring me closer to God? Maybe. Could letting it grow? Maybe. I don't have to cut it. Ever again. Or, I could decide to cut it tomorrow. I could decide to put a big blue streak in it. I could decide to shave it -- I didn't make a bad bald person after all.

What's this really all about? What's at the bottom of it?

I realize now that the real decision that is being made (or postponed) is not about getting a haircut. It's about moving from cancer patient to cancer survivor. Cancer changes everything. The scar only I can see. But my hair, everyone sees. For a while my cancer was obvious to everyone, even strangers. We talked about it. I was bald. I lost eyebrows and eyelashes. Then suddenly I had downy white baby hair. Then I had a white Mohawk. Then I had curls and lots of them. Now I have longer white frosted tips and curls. It was a kind of cancer treatment recovery everyone could watch and be amazed by.

Once I get it cut, that will all be gone. Maybe not totally by the first cut, but by the second or third it will be all gone.

I'm not ready to do that yet. Stay tuned.