She was taking my blood pressure with one of those thingys that go on your wrist and you hold up to your chest. She was holding my arm the whole time. I asked if she could tell I was nervous. "Yes, your hands are shaking." I told her it could also be the large Diet Doctor Pepper I had just chugged on my way in. See in Polly-philosophy a delicious Diet Doctor Pepper makes everything better. This was my first tissue expander "fill" at the plastic surgeon's office.
The reality was, I was scared to death. See, as much reading as I had done on tissue expanders and how they work, I never got to the part about how it was going to feel, for me. I understood the mechanics of it, but not the experience.
She was right, Dr. S did say everything out loud before he did it. I was lying on the table with the doctor on my right -- the side we're expanding -- and the nurse on my left. I was gripping a St. Anthony prayer card. "Now I'm just cleaning the area." "Now I am just marking the spot." "Now a little stick." It really was just a little sting. Then he said he was going to slowly put 50 cc of saline in. During this part I felt a little "something" like pressure, but it wasn't painful. Then he told me he was going to draw out some fluid from around the expander. Surprising myself at being able to put a thought together, let alone say it out loud, I asked him if this would have been fluid that would have come out of a drain tube if I had had one, and he said yes. He got about 30 ccs of bloody fluid out (sorry for the gore), and then he was done. The nurse held pressure on the spot for a while, then she showed me the little round bandaid that she was putting on the spot.
And like that the first fill was over.
So the first thing is -- there is something there now. I have spent the better part of a year with that spot being FLAT, like super-extra-flat. Flatter than the best abs I ever had. One diagonal scar with a couple of bumps at either end, and this perfectly flat area in between. After the surgery to put the expander in, there was something there. They had put 120 ccs of saline in during the surgery, to get it started. It was a bit of a mound, almost like a swollen area. no longer flat. I could feel the edges of the expander. It's not soft, and it's not breast-shaped. I kept thinking it's like they put a piece of luggage in my chest.
After the first fill it was bigger, but still not breast shaped. (I use a stuffing boob in my bra because there still is a big difference in the two sides, but I need less stuffing every week...) However, the shape and size of this thing became completely irrelevant to me since I was in pain, all the time, all day, every day.
I was given pain meds and a muscle relaxer after surgery, but I quit taking them as soon as I could, and just used Ibuprofen. But even 800 mg did not cut the pain. So I quit taking those, too, for the most part.
At first I told myself to just figure it out and stop being such a baby about it. But then came the spasms that would hit me so hard they would take my breath away. There were some uncomfortable moments at work when I had to excuse myself from meetings to go reluctantly down some Ibuprofen and wait out the pain until I could hold it together and not freak everyone out. I was offering this pain up for the salvation of souls. I thought about Padre Pio and said, "it's not like I have stigmata." I prayed for people with chronic pain. This will come to an end, I told myself. Quit whining.
It was taking all my energy to try faking that I was okay and I'm clearly not a very good actress, because friends at work started saying, "you're in pain, aren't you?" Well that was it. I finally gave up and decided to talk to the doctor about how to manage this pain.
At my second fill appointment I told Dr. S what was going on. He offered to not add any more saline at this appointment, but I told him I didn't want to slow down or stop the process, I just needed to figure out how to function. He suggested a strategy of a muscle relaxer when I come home from work, and Ibuprofen during the day. He said he felt if I was getting good sleep that would be a huge factor in managing the pain.
Sleep. When I was in cancer treatment I used to tell the nurses that "eating, pooping, and sleeping are my best things." I fall asleep fast and sleep all night. But since the expander, not so much. I am a side sleeper, so I tossed from one side to the other every night trying to find a comfortable position. Either side was uncomfortable or painful.
He put in 30 ccs at that appointment, and I would get my prescription filled the next day. I would just have to hold on until then. But then an amazing thing happened.
That night I thought about what he was saying about good sleep. So I decided to try something -- forcing myself to sleep on my back. Which for a side sleeper sounds like torture. I can finally write a glowing endorsement of My Pillow (I can feel you rolling your eyes -- yes, the commercials finally got to me). That night I fussed around with it, made it into a horseshoe shape, and stuck it behind my neck. Hmm. I wasn't horribly uncomfortable. It felt weird, but, I thought, this could work.
And it did. I slept flat on my back all night and woke up with no pain for the first time since surgery.
Just to be on the safe side, I decided to go ahead and take Ibuprofen during the day. I still planned to get the muscle relaxer, but to be honest I didn't really want to take them. That's when the other amazing thing happened. Because of some fluke with my insurance card, I wasn't able to fill the prescription the next day. Our HR department said they'd let me know when it was fixed and go back to the pharmacy. But I wasn't so worried since I had figured out that sleeping on my back works. That night I did the My Pillow thing again and woke up the next day with no pain. And every day since then.
When I walked into the office the first day I woke up with no pain, everyone could tell I was better. I said to more than one person, "you've been praying for me, haven't you?" I know those prayers were effective the same way I knew they were working during treatment.
There is still this uncomfortable thing in my chest, I can feel it all the time. Tomorrow I get my third fill, of exactly how many I don't know. I'm a little closer to being done with this part.
Then what? Then whatever happens.
From the readings the Sunday before the first good night's sleep, I was clinging to this passage:
Brothers and sisters:
Have no anxiety at all, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. -- Phil. 4:6-7
I hope you're finding God's peace, too...
So thankful you have found some relief! God is Good! Thank you for praying for those of us who live with Chronic Pain. Prayers for a successful and pain-free fill tomorrow!
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