Crazy came back for a minute and here's what happened

It went something like this.

PLUS four tenths of a pound!? Ugh! That's it. I'm done.
Why do I bother? What's the point? Why torment myself with the scale?
Nearly half a pound. By tonight it will be more.

I suppose I could try harder. Work out more. Eat less. I've done it before. Of course that was before cancer. It's hard, but it's worth it. Determination. Discipline. It's good for you.

But I'm not going to stop using half and half. I mean really what is the point of coffee if I don't enjoy it? I have been limiting dairy. Less cheese is good. How much less can I eat at each meal? Less red meat. Maybe intermittent fasting.

Okay, okay. How much do you want me to weigh, God? I'll work on weighing whatever you want me to weigh, as long as it's less than this. Cause you can't want me to weigh what I do now. Right? Hello?

Why do I care? After all, I'm not young anymore. Maybe it's a privilege of age to put on a few pounds and not have to worry about it. God loves me as I am, don't you, God?
Don't you?

Ugh. Four tenths of a pound. 

A similar internal conversation happens when I think: I feel like I might be able to fit into those pants now, and won't that be nice. As I am reaching for them I say to myself: don't do it, you'll only end up mad. And the she inside of me is right.

This has been bubbling up recently for one simple reason. In four days I'm going to have surgery to take out the tissue expander, get my new "faux boob" and have a little nip and tuck on the other side for symmetry.

And all I wanted was to use the time leading up to my surgery to get back down to my "fighting weight" as I like to call it. And I didn't make it. I failed.

Thinking about it now, I realize that I want things to happen in a certain order, and it doesn't usually work out that way. It's a stupid lesson I keep having to learn, over and over. It's worse than failing to lose the weight, it's failing to leave everything in God's hands.

"Often, we cause ourselves to become agitated and disturbed by trying to resolve everything by ourselves, when it would be more efficacious to remain peacefully before the gaze of God and to allow Him to act and work in us with his wisdom and power, which are infinitely superior to ours." -- Fr. Jacques Philippe, Searching for and Maintaining Peace

The thing is, when I look at how other things have happened in my life, all these events that seemed completely out of order eventually made the most sense. Go figure, God might know what he's doing.

Even the Mass readings today were echoing to this theme. "For he is our God, and we are the people he shepherds, the flock he guides." He GUIDES us. I don't have to be the guide. Then Paul: "I should like you to be free from anxieties." Free to focus on the Lord. Then the Gospel, where the unclean spirit says, "I know who you are -- the Holy One of God!" If I know who he really is, why do I try and do his job?

Okay so what does this mean for me over the next few days? I am going to give the inner dialogue a rest (because it's so koo koo). I'm going to enjoy my coffee with half and half, not get on the scale, not reach for those pants, just be with God, and with Bob, and watch everything happen.

Another good quote that gives me some hope:

"The whole of the spiritual life is an apprenticeship in childlike trust and receptivity. This spiritual receptivity is learned little by little, in a process that never ends." Fr. Jacques Philippe, Called to Life

Pray for me -- I am praying for you.