The extrovert's guide to my introvert mind.

"I really don't know how to keep from scaring you," he said.

This was after he walked into the room and said something - my name maybe? And I screamed. Very loud. And jumped. Very high. It's not an exaggeration, it's what really happens. Every single time.

I told him, as I have probably a million times since we've been married, "It's not you, it's me." He said it still makes him feel bad, and I get that. I really do. He has tried whispering. I still scream and jump (maybe even more). He has tried making noises to announce his presence. If anything was close to being effective to prevent the freak-out, it's probably that method. But it doesn't always work.

I am a jumpy person. 

It's not just Bob, either. My coworkers have also witnessed the full blown freak-out. Usually a first-timer dies laughing and then says, "I didn't mean to startle you." To which of course I say, "It's not you, it's me." One former coworker, a real "little brother" type, thought it was hilarious and started doing it on purpose. I kind of had to draw the line on that because in this case it was him, not me.

There are a few different reasons I can think of that cause me to be so jumpy. But the main reason is that I am a true introvert. 

I live inside my head. This is a classic introvert "problem," but I could also call it a superpower. We are working it all out in our brains, making mental notes, filing things away for future reference, ideating, imagining, remembering. And then there's always overthinking. Overthinking is like the broad overlay, and the rest of what's happening in my brain is just always running underneath. 

So when I am inside my head, which is almost always, I'm usually really disconnected from what's happening around me. I might look like I'm just doing the dishes, but what's going on in my head could be thinking about what I read in Scripture that morning, what I want to look for next time I'm thrift shopping, what would make a good name for a dog, ideas for moving the furniture around, obsessing about my letters in a Words with Friends game, or worrying about the dark spot on my calf that appears to be growing. Or any of a million other thoughts. I don't even have to be "doing" anything and all that activity is in my brain. It's very busy in there.

Add the anxiety piece into the mix, and it can get pretty volatile. So when I am deep in the recesses of my brain, where it is active but inside, and something from the outside startles me out of that zone, it's like glass shattering. Which = extra loud screams. It's over pretty quick, but it does take me a minute to get calm and move on. 

I have had many suggestions over the years, like maybe trying decaf, or comments like "you need to calm down," and I can appreciate that people just don't like seeing me in a freak-out moment and want to help. But this is just the way I'm wired.

As I mentioned, there really isn't a solution that I have found that works all the time. I mean I can sometimes jump out of my skin and scream like a banshee even when I see it coming.

I don't love that I shriek. I don't love that it can be upsetting to other people. But short of becoming a hermit there isn't much I can do about it because, even though I'm an introvert, I still need people. (Not all the time, don't get excited.) 

I really do have to stop sometimes (in my mind) and remember that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" and I can praise God saying, "wonderful are your works! My very self you know." My very introverted self. My very introspective self. My very dreamer self. My very jumpy self. He knows.