What I eat in a day.

Just kidding. I'm not going to tell you or show you what I eat in a day. 

But, apparently the entire world is fascinated, obsessed, repelled, or some combination of all three, by "what I eat in a day" videos on the YouTubes. 

These videos are created by "influencers" of all shapes, sizes, and levels from physical fitness experts and nutritionists to "regular people" on some form of fitness or wellness journey. The former record their "what I eat in a day" videos to inspire or challenge or teach. The latter record their meals presumably to track their progress on these journeys. Some have paid sponsorships, some don't. Many of them have hundreds of thousands of views.

Then there is another level of influencer that makes videos critiquing the "what I eat in a day" videos, and give them either praise or criticism or some combination of the two. These are also created to inspire, challenge, or teach (or some would say, shame). Nearly all of these critics include trigger warnings for people who currently suffer from or previously suffered from eating disorders, and also disclaimers that say their videos are for entertainment only, so even if they have credentials, they recommend consulting a doctor or nutritionist before making any Big Changes to your diet. 

I will admit: I have been sucked into the "what I eat in a day" video vortex. Which leads me to this post. 

It started out as a kind of harmless curiosity. I subscribed to a couple of YouTube channels I liked, created by people who actually talk about the science behind fitness or nutrition claims that are all over the interwebs and social media. They do a good job of debunking exactly the kinds of claims I see and am drawn to. Like "eat this to lose weight," "don't ever eat this if you want to lose weight," "this one food will change your body," "drink this to lose weight and keep it off," "try the fill-in-the-blank diet," "intermittent fasting is best," this type of thing.

What I started learning from the science-based videos was a lot. 

The first really earth-shattering thing I learned is that there really is not "good food" or "bad food" there is just food. For most of my adult life I have used these terms to describe food. Food that I don't really love but should eat was "good food," and stuff I would love to eat but feel like I shouldn't was "bad food." It was like a veil was lifted. I saw supporting information on a growing number of Instagram accounts and more YouTube channels, and it reinforced that these labels aren't helpful. 

This was a relief for me, because I have quite literally had panic moments and severe regret over eating food that had formerly been on my "do not eat" list. I actually had a near panic attack in a Subway restaurant over a 6" turkey sub on wheat. Because bread was on my "bad food" list. So many things were on my bad food list that are NOT bad: rice, potatoes, pasta, whole grains. I mean it's a litany of food that is actually healthy and nutritious.

Another aha moment for me was the concept that highly restrictive diets, like very low calorie diets, are not effective in weight loss or maintenance. I think I knew this in theory, but in practice I know I was not following this science. When my body started changing after age 50, and the usual low carb stuff wasn't working any more, I spent months eating under 1,000 calories a day and couldn't figure out why I wasn't losing weight. (Low carb madness is a subject for another day. That style of eating worked for me for years to stay thin, but ruined my relationship with food. See referenced panic attack above over a 6" wheat sub bun.)

The more I was watching, though, the more the algorithms started feeding me. So I was starting to see my YouTube feed chock full of new "what I eat in a day" videos and other food-related content. This is just some of the sick, click-baity stuff I was seeing:

• 6 eating habits to AVOID after age 30!
• 5 habits I gave up to lose 45 lbs.
• What I eat in a a day to build muscle. 
• The truth about weight loss...what no one tells you.
• This sweetener reduces blood sugar.
• Repair a destroyed metabolism in 10 steps.

It's crazy. When I start scrolling I don't even know what could be true and what is just made up. I want to believe, and so do a zillion other people, that just doing this ONE thing could make me thin, fit, and healthy. So even if it isn't all lies, it starts to feel that way.

There is really nothing new here. In my teenage years I know my mom was falling prey to a lot of the diet fads of the time. Then, in high school and college I realized that there was an "ideal" body size and shape and that I didn't fit that mold. So, I was dead set on trying to shove myself into it. And this went on into my adult years. Which made me hate myself, hate my body, and have a lousy relationship with food. At one point in my late 20s I did have the closest thing to "that" body. I was working out an hour a day 6 days a week and running on top of that. But it wasn't enough. When I quit working out so much I felt happier, but then to keep weight down I went low carb. I was able to stay thin, but thinking back now I realize all the times I stressed myself and Bob out trying to accommodate this diet, and all the moments I lost out on because I wouldn't eat the damn donut. 

I am still struggling through this, guys, I'm not going to lie. Trying to find the perfect balance in life is not easy. I want to be strong and healthy. But I also want to thin. Or at least feel okay in the body I'm in. This is a lot of years of bad habits and unhealthy thinking and behavior that I'm trying to undo. I don't kid myself that I'm going to find "the answer" in a YouTube video. (I mean they are actively trying to show me stuff that will make it worse.)

Something I think about a lot (and a lot more lately) is a verse in Acts, "For ‘In him we live and move and have our being.'" Every one of my bodily functions and features comes from God, even the ones I don't love. In him I live, and food sustains me. In him I move, and walks with Riley (and kettlebell workouts) are good for me. In him I have my very being, all that I am, body, mind, and spirit. 

I'm not about to start a YouTube channel to chronicle my journey, although I will confess I thought about it. Instead I'll just keep putting this stuff right here, and hope someone, somewhere can relate, and know you're not alone.