I went 2 days without my smartwatch and here's what happened.

 

"Dang, I didn't get credit for any of those steps."

It was a beautiful, sunny, Saturday morning, and we were excited that some friends were going to come over for a little grill-out and a boat ride. It also gave us a deadline for something that was sorely overdue: cleaning in and around our garage where the guys like hanging out. It's got a great view of the lake, a nice parking area, and is also, importantly, the location of the beer fridge. So while we were still grubby, we decided to tackle the job. It was typical of a Bob-and-Polly style project - a lot of running up and down stairs, moving things from one spot to another, around and around for hours and what feels like a million steps.

At some point during the sweaty, messy cleanup I realized I wasn't wearing my smartwatch. I had a few anxious moments thinking: I really need to track all my steps. At the same time I thought that, had I been wearing the watch, I may have been disappointed that it didn't amount to as many steps as I'd hoped. And then again, what if I was way over my daily goal? How would I ever know?

When I finally was "done enough" to stop for a shower, I just got ready for the fun day with friends and forgot the watch for a second time. I went the whole day without it. A full day of steps gone. 

Sunday morning we got to Mass a little early, so I was wondering what time it was when I realized I had forgotten the watch again. More steps I wouldn't get credit for. 

The thing is, in my mind and heart I know it all counts. All the steps I took, even though they weren't registered or tracked anywhere, were still steps I took. To make this sink in, I left the watch off the rest of the day to just take a break from it.

I know I may be blaspheming here, but I feel like I have become much too dependent on a piece of tech telling me I did a good job (or a bad job) by tracking a set number of steps a day. I already know it's important to move. So instead of moving to please an app, could I consider moving to please myself? To please God? Who is keeping score anyway?

Besides realizing that I wanted credit for the steps I took, I realize in a lot of other areas I want credit for things. There was a moment in Mass when I realized that I "want credit" for a deeper-than-usual bow during the Creed. I want credit for being extra reverent after Holy Communion. I want credit for participation in all the "holy stuff" because if no one sees me doing it, does it really count? Same thing with work. Same thing with home. And if I don't get the credit I make a  point of saying things like, "oh yes, by the way I organized the snack cabinet, in case you didn't notice."

If I take a big step back, I see myself as essentially feeling the need for approbation. I'm looking around for something and someone to give me the sense that my effort is worth it, paying off, or making a difference. And if I take another big step back I see this as yet another example of me struggling to know that I am loved by God, that I am his precious, and that he wants what's best for me which ultimately means he wants me to stop having to worry about this stuff.

This verse comes to mind. "Even all the hairs of your head are counted." (Matthew 10:30)

If he's counting my hairs, he's also counting my steps. So maybe I can relax about trying to find approval in an app, or even in the people around me, and just rest knowing that it all matters to God. 

And start doing it for him. This is my prayer today. I am praying the same for you.