May I Have a Word: The Case for Saying What We Mean

By a show of hands, how many times have you used these phrases, in conversation, on social media, in email communications, or in chocolate syrup on a pancake?

• Don’t Judge

• Right?

• You Need To

Friends, my hand is way up there. Don’t judge me for pointing this out. These are common phrases, and we’ve all used them, right? You need to read on to see why these words have become a problem.

Now that I have gotten that out of my system, let me say that I am working hard to eliminate all these very common and seemingly well-meaning words and phrases from my vocabulary. I’m not usually one to wave the banner and try and get people to join me, but this time I think I am.

Lately, it feels like we have become very lazy in how we express ourselves. It’s like the shortcut version of actual communication. Verbal texting. But, there is more about these five phrases that has been sticking in my craw.

I’ve been binge-watching movie adaptations of Shakespeare's plays. His words demand attention—every line carefully crafted, each word packed with meaning. Shakespeare didn’t write shortcuts; his characters reveal truth, intention, and complexity. While I’m not suggesting we speak in couplets, we could aim for more thoughtful communication, crafting our responses rather than dashing off an emoji sentence.

Now, let me say that I am not holding myself up as the prime example of this. As an introvert, my verbal responses are sometimes full of ums and uhs and stutters and stammers. That’s my mouth trying to give my brain time to formulate even a simple sentence. But when I have a little space and time, I want to (begin to) choose my words carefully, not just to sound smart but to be truthful, clear, and genuine. That’s the goal, anyway.

The other reason I’m on a jag about this, and these words and phrases in particular, is that not only are they lazy (and overused), they imply connection without any promise of the real thing. I’ll take them one by one to explain what I mean.

Don’t Judge

Guys, I’m 87.4% sure that if you look back at my blog posts over the years you will find this phrase used pretty frequently. I probably used it to be funny—a kind of punchline for some of the silly things I’ve said or done. It’s not horrible, but thinking about it now I cringe.

"Don’t judge" is really a conversation-ender. It is intended to dismiss critical thinking. Consider the difference between “I just squirted an entire can of Easy Cheese directly into my mouth—don’t judge” and “I’m a member of this church—don’t judge.” In the first, it’s a punchline with a bit of truth beneath it. The speaker likely knows that Easy Cheese isn’t a particularly healthful choice and wants to avoid a lecture. In the second, the speaker is openly expressing alignment with a religion and cutting off any further conversation.

In both cases, "don’t judge" draws a line in the sand—it is a shortcut intended to create surface-level harmony, which is why I think it’s so overused. We’re all tired of disharmony, to be sure. But without openness to dialogue, we’ll never go deeper.

If I were to suggest an alternative to “don’t judge” it might be, “What do you think?” It is a scary substitute, yes, but I’m willing to give it a shot. I’m hoping it invites deeper communication with a good dose of grace and truth. When we learn to listen and respond without harsh judgment or moral relativism, I think we’ll be getting somewhere.

Right?

I think most of us can agree that we’ve had about enough of this one, right? Oops.

But my slip there illustrates the point I want to make. "Right?" is really just a way to nudge the conversation toward agreement. It’s an easy way to avoid silence, but it shuts down the possibility of honest dialogue.

I’ve been guilty of this plenty of times, and when I stop to think about it, I see "right?" for what it is: a bid for validation. It is an indication of a little emotional immaturity and insecurity, a need to feel affirmed rather than openness to real engagement. If you nod in agreement and echo back, “Right!” I feel briefly validated like I’ve made a connection. And then I can go spray some Easy Cheese in my mouth and call it a good day.

This reminds me of a recent meditation on some words of Jesus in Matthew: “When you give alms do not blow a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets to win the praise of others. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward” (Mat 6:2). He has similar words about fasting later in the same chapter and reiterates “They have received their reward.”

The desire for human approval isn’t anything new. Clearly, people sought it 2,000 years ago, too. But what Jesus is getting at is that the outward expression and desire for attention and validation from others is hollow and fleeting, offering only temporary gratification. What we long for are deep, loving relationships—and more profoundly, a personal and intimate relationship with God, who repays in lasting and satisfying ways.

Instead of leaning on “right?” to fill the silence I might try saying nothing at all. I can put my thoughts out there—and so can you—and leave it up to the listener to respond or not. It used to be called conversation, let’s try that.

You Need To

Having lived through cancer surgery and treatment, the words “you need to” made me sit up and pay attention when they came from any of my caregivers. You need to apply lidocaine to your port about thirty minutes before arriving at the chemo lab. You need to stay active, even if it’s hard, to help minimize the side effects. There were more, but you get the idea. This wasn’t just unsolicited advice, this was important for my care and wellbeing. There are plenty of situations where “You need to” is entirely appropriate, and following that advice is crucial. (You need to wait 30 minutes after eating to go swimming? I’m still not convinced about that one.)

But there are other times when those three words can do more harm than good. I know when I have offered them I (mostly) meant well. I thought my experience might be helpful. I have tried many things that have failed, maybe I could spare someone the heartache. Or, I may have just wanted to seem wise and fix something without really understanding another person’s context or needs.

I don’t want to be dismissive. And I don’t want to presume that I know what someone “needs” to do in all cases. I am happy to explore the question, “What should I do” together—and then offer advice. Sparingly. Thoughtfully. Humbly. That’s what I need to do.

In the End

Now what in the world is wrong with, “in the end,” you ask? In the end, it’s just important that you be happy. In the end, it all works out like it’s supposed to. In the end, I achieved my goal. This is a good phrase, a solid phrase, a positive phrase.

But in the end, I have skipped over a lot of potentially important stuff—the hard work, the messy middles, the essential truths. It is another way we end the conversation, sometimes before it is started.

So, in the end (yep, I went there), let’s stop reaching for these convenient phrases and consider what they’re really doing to our connections. "Don’t judge" closes the door on deeper conversations. What if we welcomed feedback instead? "Right?" puts us on autopilot in search of validation. What if we dared to embrace vulnerability instead? "You need to" might be well-meaning, but maybe we should ask, “What could I be doing to help?” before making suggestions.

In thinking back to Jesus’ teaching about prayer and fasting, one takeaway is that humility in our spiritual practices can be transformative. And I think it applies here too. When we are freed from the need for recognition—or the need to always be right—we become more attuned to the needs of others. By eliminating these types of lazy shortcuts to connection we can create more meaningful interactions and deeper relationships.

Will you join me? 

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